Here in the Allison casa, we’re in the middle of some epic changes. Jobs are being quit, homes are being sold (pleaseLordplease), and schools are being changed, all in the name of community.
Because here’s the deal- it’s needed to happen for a while. We are a long freakin’ hike away from our church and its community. And for a long time, I’ve thought that all was well. We could rock this life on our own, no support from others needed, and we’d live to tell the story. Uh, wrong. Turns out, we need people. People who are close, both in proximity and relationally. So, we’re moving to the people. And leaving a lot- and a lot of good, mind you- behind in the process.
I’ve prayed about this for years now. I’ve prayed the “God, why am I here? Can’t you just get me out of North Carolina and send me HOME?” prayers. I’ve prayed the “God, now that I’m here, don’t make me leave. I’m comfortable. I clearly know what’s best for my life. And I’m not going anywhere” prayers. And on my better days, I’ve prayed the “God, show me what you want. Do you want me to leave my job behind? I’ll do it, God. But make it clear. Really, really clear. Because I don’t wanna” prayers.
For so long, I’ve felt like the answer was “not now- stay.”
Recently, though? I’ve felt a nagging “yes” to my prayers. It’s funny how God uses pain and hard to speak to me. Not audibly. No, I’m not that awesome. But through the surgeries. And in the recent behaviors of our sweet girl from hard places who clearly needs her mama now more than ever. In our desire to actually, perhaps for the first time in our nearly-ten years of marriage, put roots down somewhere. “Yes, now’s the time.”
So, today. Today, in an act of heel-dragging (just being real here) obedience, I resigned from my job. I said goodbye to the job and the coworkers and the patients I have truly, truly loved over the past six and a half years. I cried buckets of tears as I delivered the news to my boss. Because, as I explained to her, this job was so much more than just a paycheck to me. It shaped me as a provider, yes. But even more, it shaped me as a person. It has humbled me. Reshaped my worldview. Shown me Jesus. It’s funny how a job that has caused so many tears of frustration and sadness has simultaneously been one of the greatest joys in my life.
As I begrudgingly emptied the contents of my work desk into a Mexican take-out bag this afternoon, I came across this. A verse that was hastily scribbled out on a scrap piece of paper years ago. Because, you guys, as much as I loved my job, some days just called for an extra dose of Jesus.
Sometimes change, good change even, can be just so hard. But this. He’s here, right here, in the hard and in the good. In it all. And so I can keep on, albeit with a heart that feels just so wobbly sometimes, knowing that that paths he leads us on are good.
So, for now, my path looks like trading my stethoscope in for extra time pouring into my baby girl. It looks like a season of packing and moving and planting. It looks like hard and good and lots and lots of shaky trust.
We’re calling this season a “reset”. And I’m game… I think.