This month marks five years since I began working at my current job.  My “work anniversary” always makes me feel like having a bit of a love fest because, as I have said before, I really do love my job.  This year, I thought I’d share a few tricks and tips of the trade from yours truly.  You’re welcome.

• I know it’s been a long night with your puking child, but is it really necessary roll up into our office wearing those SpongeBob pajama pants?  If you change outta those babies before coming, I promise we’ll all feel a little better.

• Those exam room doors?  They’re thin.  When you’re waiting for us to come in, we hear everything that happens behind them.  We hear you sweetly reading and singing to your kids.  We sympathize with you when you desperately pull out your iPhone to appease your tantruming toddler.  We also hear you threatening another whoopin’… and sometimes carrying through with that whoopin’ right there in the office.  We hear all.

• Do not, I repeat do not, save your most important questions and concerns for that moment we’re wrapping up the visit and are about to walk out of your exam room.  Your kid has chest pain?  You think they broke their leg?  Tell us right away, not when we think we’re done!  (And all the providers said “amen”.)

• Please stop hating on us for not prescribing vats of amoxicillin for your child’s every sniffle.  Just because your baby daddy’s mama’s sister said your baby needed the pink stuff, I promise we’re just trying to help.

• If your middleschooler has heartburn, I will tell them to stop eating Takis.  Nine times out of ten, it will solve the problem.  Just trying to save y’all a visit here.

• I will ask your teenager about drugs and sex.  They might lie.  Your heart might stop.  But I’m gonna ask.  Fair warning.

• A special love note to all of my Hispanics out there: your baby probably does not have parasites.  Or anemia.  And he’s almost certainly not underweight.  Okay, bueno.

• Frustrated because we seem a bit rushed?  Because we’re running behind?  Sweet goodness, SO ARE WE.  Our packed schedules cause us daily anxiety.  In a perfect world, we’d be able to have relaxed, lingering chats about your child’s every breath.  But, my friends, this world just. ain’t. perfect.  (Kudos to you, health insurance reimbursements…)

• We worry about you.  I have lost sleep on many occasions thinking about your kids, and I spend plenty of time on my knees in prayer about them.  Healthcare can at times be emotionally and physically draining, but I love what I do and I love who I serve.